I Couldn’t Hide The Cracks Any Longer – Written by Meg

I’ve heard the saying “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.”

And this is why we should all be kind, all the time. Both to ourselves and to everyone around us. We simply never know what people are going through. We never know what they are trying to handle, what demons they face, what life circumstances are weighing them down.

In Meg’s case she truly is fighting a battle that many people suffer with on a daily basis.

I feel honoured that Meg has decided to share her battle with the army. Her courageous words are inspiring.

We are all here for you Meg.

Heidi Allen – Positive People Army Founder 

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I grew up in a close knit community where you’re teachers are your parents best friends, neighbours are family and secrets are never secrets.

I liked being enveloped in this community. Until the day I had a secret I desperately wanted to disappear and didn’t want anyone to know, but of course that would not be the case.

Six years ago my nightmare began. I was stalked and then sexually assaulted in my own home. My world became an ordeal of police, detectives and doctors.

Six years ago my entire world feel apart at the hands of a monster.

Months after the event, I had become silent. I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t talk and I refused to leave my bedroom.

Depression consumed me.

I no longer felt close to my community and I couldn’t look them in the eyes anymore. I knew they knew. It felt like they were judging me and they would think I was dirty and gross. They would think it was my fault.

However, nothing they could possibly be thinking was worse than what I was telling myself or doing to myself every second of every day.

I was starving myself.

So, I decided to run away from it all. I moved far away to a city where I knew no one. No one knew my story and I could start over.

I got a job I really enjoyed at a Television company. It was the new start I had desperately wanted, but there is only so long before the cracks would begin to show again.

I was becoming withdrawn and depressed again and my eating disorder was getting out of hand. A co-worker who had become like a brother to me took notice and tried to help.  Along with his husband they pressed, they cared and confronted me about not eating. They even tried to get me to go to support groups at an Eating Disorder support center, but I refused the help. A decision, which almost ended our friendship.

I knew they were trying to help, but I wasn’t ready yet.

Barely hanging on I received news that my Grandfather passed away. I was devastated. He had always been my world and my best friend.

The cracks began to grow and get deeper now.

Even more depressed and withdrawn I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I was even being bullied by a co-worker daily. My boss wasn’t supporting me and my grandfather was gone. I felt shattered and completely alone.

I couldn’t hide the cracks any longer. My body gave in and I broke.

That day I went straight to my family doctor to get help. A few weeks later I was admitted into a treatment centre for Eating Disorder and PTSD.

I lived at the treatment centre for six months. I was finally dealing with issues I was trying to deny. They taught me coping skills and helped me on a daily basis to try and learn I was the victim and it wasn’t my fault. They told me I wasn’t alone.

Thankfully my co-worker and friend who originally saw my struggle came to visit me. Both him and his husband became even bigger supporters than I could ever imagine. They had opened the window for me to get help, but I was only able to accept it when I hit rock bottom.

I realized I had to fall apart to learn how to fall back together.

I gained the weight needed to be discharged and I am now out of the treatment centre, but my journey is far from over. I have a team of doctors, nutritionist, social workers & therapist I see weekly. I have regular weigh-ins and I also attend support groups.

I know ‘m not cured. I still have terrible days and then ok days. I struggle with my eating disorder and I’ve currently relapsed as I write this story.

However this time I’ve learned to breathe one day at time. I’ve decided to live again and not let my cracks take over. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone when I feel safe to see that there is life to be lived again.

It’s not my fault, I’m not gross and I am a victim -this is still a mantra I need to be told daily…I don’t believe it yet, but one day I hope to.

I have never shared my story before outside of a safe hospital setting, but as I continue to heal my hope is to continue to tell my story. I hope by sharing my story that maybe I can help other women, men and children know that it’s NOT their fault, there is help out there and together we can make a difference. We can help stop the stigma and the silence around Sexual Assault and help get back pieces of our lives that were so brutally taken from us.

My dream is to tell my story on a platform. I hope to continue to get better and I hope to help anyone out there know that they are NOT alone. I understand your pain and I’m sending you the courage to seek help, tell your story and live life again.

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If you loved this story you will also love It Made Me Feel Loved 

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